“I want to be me again.”

“That’s what I told myself as I wiped my face for the hundredth time. This may have been my third day in a row crying. When they tell you about relationships, they give all the signs you need to look out for physical abuse, but no one ever tells you what to look for when it’s verbal or emotional.

“What should I say?”

I’ve never been one to be afraid to speak. I’ve always been a talker, and that’s just what it is. But I found myself second-guessing my words and wondering if I was the horrible things he said.

“That’s not true.”

One thing I know—I am a good person. I make mistakes, but I try my hardest to treat people how I want to be treated. I am a lover. I love and care a lot. Sometimes, too much. But I am not a problem. So why does it feel like these things he said are true?

I want to feel good again. Better than I did before. I want to be free in love again. No second guessing or feeling like it’s not meant for me.”

💕🌻💕🌻💕🌻

I wrote that back in February after a relationship ending that I thought was going somewhere. I could spend the next couple of sentences placing blame, or I could use my voice to express the gratitude that I feel to be back with God again.

I’ve heard that you can’t love someone raised on survival, and I ignored it more times than I am willing to admit. I am love, so placing stipulations on who can receive that never sat well with me. So, I tried. And I tried. I tried until I could not recognize the woman standing in the mirror looking back at me.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

That quote is the most enormous lie that anyone ever told us. Words do hurt. They cripple, they ache, they are sharp, dull, and can cause severe pain.

But…

Words can heal. Words can restore, and words can become the strength needed to make a change. I remember praying, I mean genuinely praying and asking God to help me forget the words. Help me forget the hurt, and please help me recognize the woman in the mirror again. He told me to come home. Come back to him. Stop depending on people and rely on him.

It’s hard taking that first step—the one after you’ve made a mistake you feel everyone can see. It’s hard to give yourself the grace you need to move forward because the words keep replaying. Training your mind to be a safe space takes some work. My granny used to say, “It ain’t no hard work,” and she was right—it’s not hard work—it’s heart work.

I had gotten myself out of divine alignment. I had started reading more posts about life instead of reading the Book of Life, and that was the first mistake I had to correct. I had to ask God to forgive me for putting him on the back burner. I’m so thankful he’s the God that he is. He never hesitated to take me back.

I started writing “Good Again” because I wanted to share my story about how I made it out, but once I started working on this again, I realized—it’s not a story of how I made it out; it’s a story of how I made it home. Back to my God. My God, that my parents taught me about. My God that my granny prayed to for me and with me. My God, who never left me. My God, who has always felt that I was excellent and plentiful and didn’t need to be “good again.”

💜💜💜💜

So that’s my story. Part of it, anyway. The Lord is still writing, and I will patiently let him have his way.

Take Care,

ToriB💕🌻