Since starting GoG, I have gone over so many topics in my head. There are so many things I want to share. In my first post, I told you guys I wasn’t quite sure where we were going and I meant that. After some time and sitting with a few things I narrowed it down. I want this to be a journey of release. Releasing the old patterns and creating healthier ways to be a better version of myself..for me. Did you know that before you can be better for anyone else, you have to be better for yourself ? Crazy, right?
Misplaced insecurities—what are those?
My good buddy, Google defines insecurity as “uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence.” I know, you see the phrase “lack of confidence” and you might immediately say, “Hey, the last thing I lack is confidence..okay?” Yes, I thought the same thing until I sat down and took a good look. I want to take this time to say that I’m not referring to physical insecurities, that’s something totally different. I’m talking about those insecurities you picked up when certain scenarios didn’t play out as you thought.
Here’s an example…☺️
So I’m in college and I’m starting my sophomore year. I finally had my car so I could move around more and I started packing my schedule with volunteer hours. I’ve always enjoyed school and in my mind, the same study habits I’ve always had were working, so what could go wrong? 😂 Babe, everything can go wrong. As I was jamming my schedule with volunteer hours and study time, I sort of noticed that I wasn’t retaining the information, but I chalked it up to lack of sleep and too much coffee. I said my prayers and kept pushing all while ignoring my brain begging me for help. Fast forward to the end of the semester and I finished with a 1.8 GPA. Yep, that’s right…Tori had a 1.8. You can only imagine the frustration, sadness, & guilt I placed on myself. It was at that moment, that misplaced insecurity was born.
I know I’m smart. Before we move on, please know that statement comes from a most humble heart. I do not take my intelligence lightly. I’m truly blessed and I will forever make that known. But at 19, sitting in the academic probation meeting, I felt like I knew nothing. That’s a hard place to be when you’re used to knowing it all. I had all these random thoughts going through my head about how to fix this, what does this mean, or could it be that I’m not that great at school? All of those questions led me to question my intelligence and I became “gun-shy” about well..everything. I stopped asking questions during class. I’d send an email or drop by the office. I had some great professors who tried everything possible to get me to use my voice, but those insecurities had my mind occupied. I starting asking other students what they thought the professor meant instead of standing on my interpretations. I mean it was bad. & this went on for well…I think until I finished college. Now let me go ahead and clarify…that was the worst semester ever, but I made it! I found a way to adjust my study style and I made the Dean’s List a few times after that. The only problem, I was in a dance with misplaced insecurities for 2.5 years.
The point I want to make is this, you can fix the execution, but if you don’t address the insecurity, it’ll be back soon. Trust me, they find a way to spin the block. So how does this translate past academics? Well, sit with this. Have you ever argued with someone and your interpretation of their action was rooted in your insecurity? You had someone take advantage of your trust so you built a wall to keep it from happening again? That’s an example of misplaced insecurity. Assuming everyone has an agenda and you’ll catch them slipping at any time. It’s a horrible way to live. It’s not fair to the other party, but most importantly, it’s not fair to YOU. When you live in a constant state of survival, it’s easy to just go through the motions and label insecurities as “that’s just the way I am.” & I did that for years until it came around the block like an old messy acquaintance I vowed I never wanted to be friends with again.
I want you to know that your healing journey is not to kickstart you into a new job, relationship, city, none of that. We have to heal to break generational curses and to shed light on the trauma that secretly seems to visit us all. My response pattern to failure was non-existent at 19. I didn’t have the tools 10 years ago to coach myself out of that small rut. That small moment of insecurity turned into a misplaced sinkhole that left me with something to prove. Again, I don’t recommend it! 😅 Fast-forwarding, I now fill my space with positive mantras while continuously speaking life into myself. Words hold so much power. Your thoughts are words, whether you verbalize them or not. Often the things we only tell ourselves do more harm than anything anyone else can say.
Release those insecurities. Things won’t be like last time. When you recognize something you become responsible for it. I vowed not to beat myself up over past situations. Accept my role in whatever happens and know that at the time, I was truly working with what I had. Just like in the garden, once you realize the soil is old, you don’t keep planting…you clean it up and dispose of it. Dispose of those misplaced insecurities properly. Don’t just toss them to the side, sit with them, learn from them, thank them, and allow them to go in peace. No more spinning the block!
My cousin tells me every morning to have an amazing day and if I can’t, don’t mess up anyone else’s. I want you to have that, too. I think it’s pretty sound advice. Take care!
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Love your transparency! In that, we get to see a real person with real problems and real solutions. Thank you so much!
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